i am dying

i really dont think i can do this anymore

i just dont wana be here, i dont see anything working out for me or me working out for anything else, im sorry, right now this is the worst iv ever been. i really am a peice of shit, dont tryn telll me im not, you dont know me like i know me.im not asking for help, i just need to let it out.

i try to be a better person but i just dont care enough

i really dont know what to do now

i keep puting it of thinking it will get better but it wont

my head is just fucked, i find sorrow in the happiest of things,

i want this to be the end, but i dont even think im strong enough to do it.im ment to be there for my family but insted i burden and disapoint them with most things i do.

i honesly hope i dont wake up.i cant even explain how i feel.

cominting suicide might not be such a fucking disapointment

YOU

after everything i put you through you still treat me like nothing ever changed

i cant understand how you can see any good in me.

i cant understand why the fuck you would care

one of the dumbest things i ever did was let you go

i cant stop thinking about u n i know its bad...

but your not just another girl and you never were

as much as i fucked up, i never lied about how i felt

i fucking miss what we had and i need that now more than ever.

if it wer any other girl they would of left me for dead but not you.

in a word your.. amazing

i want you back

fuck it, i quit

dubs, energy drinks and work is my life

im so fucking over it

i honestly dont wana be here and if it wasnt for my mum n sis id be gone i fucking swear.

im sick of my fucking fake smiles

RUNAWAYS!!

im about to leave to go to the gong n then husky n then back to canberra, thank fuck im outa here.

i get to see my family again, its been way to fucking long. also chloe is cuming, i miss her.

i hae a feeling im guna do some really stupid shit, im so fucking stoked, finally something to smile about. i get to see one of my fave bands to. killlluh

bbzzz

energy drinks have replaced food in my life

dan wrote a song about me

n they played it on friday night

rough

i miss the runaways

un everything

im not to goin to the show tomoro but most other cunts are, i wont get to see the runaways..again

whats left isnt jaming today

i didnt get told untill after i set everything up

im goin backrupt, i wont be alowed leave the country for 3 to 8 years

everyday is the same,

i feel like im dying

i dont care

i feel so fucking alone

i dont know how long i can keep this up

i cant spend another night alone

...

words

the constant flow of words through my head.

to me words have lost all meaning

not as i express them

but as i hear them

words that are use to describe something so great or so bad mean nothing

everything is just so fucking plain

i realllllyyy wana make sense of this, i want someone to understand..

but as usual i cant find the words.

nothing moves me except my own emotions and music

"events un-nerve me"

this isnt how i wanted to say it, again i fucked it up hahahaha

i actully think out of the very few people who read this shit, i ??THINK?? there is only one that fully understands me, adrian, i fucking miss you like even you couldnt understand

you are my family... i know its not much but please hold on to it. noone else will ever understand but its all wev got.

love

just look at how it makes people so fucking happy

each night looking at peoples comments n status updates n shit like that

but do they really understand the impact it has.

the word love is thrown around like its trash.

would these kids who so often use this word kill for there loved one? would they disregard there own life for there loved one?

i still cant work out if love has failed me or i have failed love.

how can i love another when i dont know me?

something else

"it makes me sick to know that my life is represented by the world we live in"

please dont mistake this for a cry for help

this world isnt for me, i never feel at home execpt when im alone

and thats when im at my worst, so maybe i shouldnt be?

i simply dont wana live in this world... will i ever feel at home? will i ever be happy?

not here... not today

suicide

cant stop thinking about it

uhoh

iv been drinkn

lets some up the last month'ish

i dont even know what to say

i have had some pretty rough nights, i really cant keep being alone everynight, its killing me

i pushed my self to the edge most nights and im really scared of how far its guna go.

i really am a fucking horrible person, i dont think there is one thing i dont hate about myself

its funny that people think that im happy all the time. if they knew what was in my head head every second of the day theyd wana put a gun in my mouth

thats the reason why i dont wana be around anymore regardless of how people think i am... i think what i think i feel how i feel and i do what i do and thats not how i wana be, somehow i know its not guna change

fuck i dont even know if im making sense.

people think that im ok now because i dont talk about it... but iv never been worse

i feel like a should die alone but im too sellfish.

im a burden to everything and everyone

i dont feel as if day to day i get anywere

i dont.

im not ok and i wont be ok

im not dealing with it

im drinking untill i pass out

as quick as i can

im really not ok

please understand i dont wana be here

"fuck i hope i dont wake up"

one thing that i still cant deal with, is actully watching my dad go, like sitting there holding his hand looking at him watching his chest move up and down n then nothing...then feeling his hand go cold... letting go was the hardest thing iv ever had to do... you couldnt possibly understand.... i cant even find the words

mum told me some stuff about dad from about 12 years ago... i wont explain on here... it really made me wish i died that morning.

the heroin diaries

the more dark side of my life.

i love you soooo fucking much girl, this is for you.

*

i saw a car drive past me that was the same as my dads today n i thought he was still here

other than that i dont feel like expressing myself on here